I’ve noticed a trend. In my leadership training workshops and executive coaching, people downplay the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ) in leadership. They think it’s too touchy-feely and don’t want to be seen as “emotional.” People believe showing vulnerability is a weakness. They are wrong.
When you start your career, technical skills are paramount. You must excel at the work. But as you climb in an organization, you move further from technical tasks. At some point, you’re managing the people who manage the people who manage the work. Technical skills still matter, but people skills become far more important.
My research and work with thousands of leaders show that in mid-level management, EQ is about five times more important than technical skills. At senior levels, EQ is roughly nine times more important. You must be competent, but if you’re exceptional at your job and can’t work well with others, you won’t succeed as a leader.
The Five Elements of Emotional Intelligence:
- Self-awareness: Knowing your emotions and triggers. It’s the foundation for managing emotions effectively.
- Self-regulation: Controlling emotional responses. This helps you stay focused, flexible, and accountable under pressure.
- Motivation: The drive to achieve goals for personal growth. It’s less about external rewards and more about team success and improvement.
- Empathy: Recognizing and understanding others’ emotions. This is essential for building relationships and collaborating effectively.
- Social skills: Managing relationships. This includes communication, influence, and teamwork.
Where I see people struggle the most is in the first two—self-awareness and self-regulation.
Self-awareness is the ability to step back and analyze your emotions. People with low EQ often have a limited vocabulary for their emotions. If asked to describe their emotions over the past few days, they might say “mad,” “sad,” “angry,” or “happy.”
People with high EQ, however, use a broader vocabulary to articulate how they feel.
For Example:
- Mad: Frustrated, irritated, annoyed, agitated
- Sad: Disappointed, gloomy, heartbroken, miserable
- Angry: Furious, outraged, bitter, irate
- Happy: Joyful, content, elated, cheerful
A broader vocabulary like this enables clearer emotional expression and better self-awareness.
Here’s why this matters:
The words you use to describe your emotions shape the emotions you feel. Saying you’re “angry” feels much different from saying you’re “anxious.”
Some of us have trigger words. I’ll use myself as an example. I get offended and upset if someone calls me “stupid.” If they call me “misinformed,” I become curious. What are your trigger words?
The next step is self-regulation. This is the ability, in the heat of the moment, to step back and ask, “Based on the emotions I’m feeling, what is the appropriate response?” People often fall into the trap of “stimulus–response.” They feel an emotion and react automatically. People with high EQ learn to pause and think. They create space between stimulus and response. In that gap, they regulate their behavior.
Action Steps to Improve Self-Awareness
- Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary: Reflect on your feelings and use specific words to describe them. Instead of saying, “I’m angry,” consider whether you’re frustrated, disappointed, or concerned. Precise language helps you understand and manage your emotions.
- Identify Your Triggers: Pay attention to situations or words that provoke strong emotional responses. Reflect on why these triggers affect you and how they shape your reactions.
- Seek Feedback After Meetings: Ask colleagues for feedback immediately after meetings. This ensures their input is fresh and helps you understand how your emotions and reactions are perceived.
Action Steps to Improve Self-Regulation
- Pause Before Reacting: When emotions rise, take a moment to pause. Even a brief break, like counting to five, can give you time to choose a measured response.
- Reframe the Situation: When faced with a challenge, try to view it from a different perspective. Ask yourself, “Is there another way to interpret what’s happening?” Shifting your view can reduce negative emotions.
- Learn to Let Go: Recognize that not all conflicts or setbacks need immediate resolution. Focus on controlling your response rather than the situation itself.
- Two Questions: In challenging situations, I ask myself two key questions: “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” and “Is what I’m about to say going to add value to this conversation?” These can be game-changers.
By focusing on these steps, you can build stronger self-awareness and self-regulation skills, which are foundational for improving emotional intelligence.
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