“It isn’t fair that I have to do all the work.”
I hear this often when I talk about improving difficult relationships. Someone is struggling with a colleague, a boss, a family member, or a friend. They want things to get better, but they’re frustrated that the other person won’t meet them halfway.
I understand the frustration. And I agree. It isn’t fair. But fairness has nothing to do with it.
If you want a relationship to improve, you have to be willing to do most of the work. The question is whether the relationship is worth that investment.
I use a simple 1 to 100 scale. Before deciding how much effort to put into a challenging relationship, I ask myself: how important is this relationship to me? The answer determines my actions.
My relationship with my wife is a 120. I will do whatever it takes to make that relationship excellent. That means I apologize more quickly when I’ve made a mistake. I’m more patient. I listen carefully. I try to understand her point of view even when I disagree. I’m willing to take on most of the burden for keeping the relationship strong, because nothing matters more to me than that bond. Happily, she feels the same way and is willing to invest heavily in the relationship too.
Now consider a different situation. I’m at a convenience store buying a soda and the clerk is rude. How important is that relationship? Close to zero. I’ll be polite, because that’s how I move through the world, but I’m not going to invest energy in building trust or understanding. I’ll probably never see this person again. I’ll buy my soda and leave.
The scale changes everything.
A relationship at 90 deserves significant effort. A relationship at 15 does not. Most people never stop to make this calculation. They treat every difficult interaction with the same level of frustration, the same expectation that the other person should do their share.
When you’re willing to do the majority of the work at first, it often pulls the other person toward you. They see through your actions that the relationship matters to you, and many will respond by making a stronger effort themselves. The investment creates momentum.
And if they don’t respond? That tells you something important.
Their lack of effort is an indication of how much the relationship means to them. You now have useful information for deciding how to proceed.
There’s a set of three questions I learned from a book on conflict resolution that helps me navigate this.
When I’m in a conversation that feels challenging, or when I sense I’m doing most of the work, I pause and ask myself:
- What do I want to have happen here?
- What do I not want to have happen?
- What do I want from this relationship?
The answers guide my behavior. In a typical situation at work my answers might be: I want us to reach a solution we both feel good about. I don’t want this to escalate into an argument. I want to strengthen the relationship and build the skills to handle situations like this together in the future.
Those answers keep me grounded. They remind me what I’m working toward and help me avoid reactive behavior that might damage the relationship.
I’ve also learned that you can say these things out loud.
In a difficult conversation, I might tell the other person directly: “Here’s what I’d like to have happen. I want us to get to an outcome we both feel good about. I don’t want this to turn into an argument or create bad feelings between us. And I want us to work through this together so we can handle situations like this more easily in the future.” That transparency often shifts the dynamic from opposition to collaboration.
The scale and the questions work together.
First, decide how important the relationship is. If the number is high, invest accordingly. Use the questions to stay focused on what matters. Do the work even when it feels unfair, because the relationship is worth it. If the number is low, be polite and move on.
Fairness is a reasonable thing to want. But waiting for fairness is a good way to watch important relationships deteriorate while you stand on principle.
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