Written By: Roger Strickland
Within a single life, it’s possible to identify (for most people) a ‘phased’ series of experiences. If we can see this pattern, two more things evolve: first, we can see our lived lives from a more objective view & perhaps gain more insight into our experiences; and second, within our lives, we go through numerous ‘experiences’ that, within themselves, follow this pattern. From that knowledge we can confront our life’s path with a more confident perspective and likely learn quicker, move more easily. It is also possible to learn ‘rules’ or ‘life lessons’ for each phase and to apply them in future endeavors with greater success.
Phase I – Survival
Learning the environment – dangers, joys; evaluating what is good and bad and what is needed to survive. Learn the rules, written and not. Learning ‘social skills’ and learning ‘experientially’ (living the process, deepening our understanding) to include formal education.
In an unfriendly environment (family, work, school, recreation) life seems lonely, challenging; sometimes scars (literal and metaphorical) shape our future thinking. Life is largely “re-active” – responding to stimuli, rather than proactive; characterized by short-term thinking and, often, by emotion.
Life in this phase has much room for error; it can be a house of horrors – real and imagined. If we are smart – or lucky – we develop support systems – people, mentors, parents, guides – to avoid or mitigate the most difficult times and to celebrate with us in our victories.
This phase lasts from birth until between 15 and 25 years of age.
Sample Rule(s):
- Learn Situational Awareness
- Don’t Trust Everyone
- Remain Open but Cautious
Phase II – Learning
This is the time of acquiring skills – knowledge, direct skills, technical, people, and academic skills. It is also learning the various ‘currencies of life’ – bank accounts, budgeting, major purchases and contracts, trust and betrayal, and one’s values are becoming fully embedded, though not always articulated. A work ethic forms, along with a set of self-expectations that help to direct our actions in a way consistent with our desired self-image and reputation to others. Often we add and discard certain behaviors, perhaps assets (clothes, car, media preferences) as we ‘try on’ different aspects of our ‘adult’ persona. We are sensitive to our environment, our culture and we respond, generally, in a way acceptable to that culture. We also shape habits in how we deal with disappointment, criticism, and praise.
The ’guardrails’ of behavior are a little more narrow now; so, too, are the more objective measurements of ‘how are we doing’ such as salary, job title, level of responsibility, degree of influence. We begin to take on the tasks of broader and deeper leadership – mentoring, counseling, and assisting younger folks in their own paths. It is in this second phase that we establish our true competencies, and we set patterns and habits which will take us through the rest of our lives, for better or for worse.
This phase lasts from around age 25 until the early to mid-40’s. We become more ‘bien dans sa peau’ (comfortable in our own skin) and usually experience growing responsibilities in our career as our influence and image evince competence and a certain savoir faire or confidence.
Sample Rule(s):
- Learn from Others’ Experiences (books, mentors)
- Without Discipline Nothing Good Happens
- Slay Your Dragons
Phase III – Being / Doing / Building
In this phase we do – we make careers, start and manage businesses, find our vocations, pursue the crafting of our lives, our perceived futures. Learning never stops, if we are aware, but our waking days are taken up with doing, creating, persuading, demanding, crafting, … always focused on creating/doing with a specific end in mind. Perhaps it is the creation and maximization of profit or wealth; or the saving of souls; or contributing to others, to a high ideal, altruism. But it is constant interaction, planning, execution, evaluation, and starting all over again on a new project. It is sometimes restless, demanding; it is often demanding to the point of becoming debilitating, of consuming us in the process.
For others, it is the ultimate in fulfillment – achievement of goals. For still others, it is the gradual realization that life has become a dissatisfying compromise, perhaps a larger degree of failure than success. And, for many, this phase is the ending point of life.
This phase typically encompasses from the mid-40’s to the mid-60’s. It is our time of greatest productivity, usually of greatest contribution. It takes us to the point where we look over our lives and like to ask, “How did I do?” It is both the pinnacle of achievement and, towards its end, the abyss of, “Did I make a difference?” For many, their definition of themselves comes from the work they do; now that appears to have a finite future. What then?
Late in this phase this incorporates competence and balance in multiple areas, professionally as well as personally.
Sample Rule(s):
- People Make the Difference; Cooperation Beats Competition
- Summarize Your Lessons – what did you learn?
- How You Act is as Important as What You Do
- As Gently As Possible; As Firmly As Necessary
Phase IV – Sharing / Reflection
Contemplating, reviewing, ideally laughing, and being in the sense of being aware, of having perspective, hopefully with only positive emotion. This phase includes legacy thinking, as well as the recurring consideration of why are we here? In this phase we can truly be teachers, if we choose to continue to engage (most of us should, we are needed); but it may also – or instead – mean withdrawal and contemplation, relative or absolute isolation. But it should be a comfortable place, physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spiritually. It is now we rest, enjoy the bounties of life – friendship, memories, visiting old times, places and recalling with smiles and laughter the joys – and, yes, the tragedies – of our lives. Our specific lives. For each of us has lived a different experience, a unique mix of actions, emotions, lessons. And each, like a separate book in a library, is precious.
This period carries huge responsibilities and a demand that we replace any arrogance and certainty with a large dose of self-deprecation.
It is during this time that we reflect back upon what we have done with varying degrees of pride and humility and consider both the lessons learned and – hopefully – laugh at our earlier naïveté, innocence, and occasional stupidity.
This phase reflects our need and desire to share what we have learned with others over the courses of our lives. Perhaps it is simply conversations with our grandchildren, or we turn to writing our life stories, or we seek volunteer work hoping to improve the lives of others coming behind us. This, in its way, is both the most revelatory and the most rewarding part of our lives. This phase may occur anywhere from the 50’s onward.
Sample Rule(s):
- Connections Matter
- Dignity and Humor Together are Powerful
Phase V – Saying Goodbye / Leaving
In this phase, we prepare to leave, to let go of the life we have lived, the book we have created. Each with our own view of what – if anything – comes next, we experience gratefulness for what has been, love towards all as much as possible, and we surrender quietly, gently, with grace and humor to the transition from this place as we know it. If we are lucky, we accept the inability to know what is next, perhaps balancing it with a hope of what we will find.
If this can be accomplished gratefully and graciously, if the suffering is minimal, if the burden we place on others is small or none, then we complete this phase successfully. This phase is particularly variable as to age. When does one become intimately aware of one’s own mortality? Sometimes it takes the appearance of disease or diagnosis to get our attention. Thus it may happen sooner, … or much, much later in life. But most will touch on this phase by their seventies, often as we read the obituaries of friends or colleagues or public persons we have watched over our lifetimes.
Again, grateful and gracious, with dignity and humor, this ‘ultimate’ transition is truly life’s greatest unknown. To accept it and embrace it is the best we can do – for ourselves and those we leave behind.
It is important to note that the ages I have assigned to these phases are highly arbitrary. Likewise, there is no defined clear break between the phases; in fact there is a considerable amount of overlap in moving from one to the next.
Sample Rule(s):
- Remain Grateful
- Keep Smiling
Phases within Phases
The majority of activities we find ourselves engaged in also go through a similar set of phases. Maybe it was the first time you played Little League Baseball or some other organized sport. Perhaps it was moving to a new school, a new home, a new job, a new relationship. Each activity had its stages or phases. Think through your past experiences this way. Along the way, think about what other ‘rules’ you would suggest. This is just a starter.
The point is that by recognizing these phases and their necessary overlap, we can better understand where we are, focus on what behaviors and thoughts will most help us, and craft both a better experience and a brighter future.
This is the value of perspective and it is my hope that seeing life in terms of repetitive ‘phases’ will better equip each of us to prosper.
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