Many of the most important decisions we make are driven by rules we never consciously chose.
Those rules shape how we respond to conflict, pressure, relationships, opportunity, success, and failure. The challenge is that most of us do not think of them as rules. They often begin as stories we tell ourselves about who we are.
A few weeks ago, I had nearly the same conversation with two different executives I coach.
The first told me he was struggling with one of his peers. Every disagreement turned into a contest to see who would get the last word. He admitted that ever since he was young, he had hated being pushed around. If someone challenged him, embarrassed him, or tried to make him look bad, his instinct was to push back harder. Winning the argument mattered to him, even when he knew it was damaging the relationship.
The second executive had a different challenge. He wanted to be approachable, but people found him intimidating. The executive was loud, energetic, decisive, and moved quickly. He also happened to be the CEO. Whether he realized it or not, every employee in the company understood that he had tremendous influence over their careers and financial well-being. Even when he had good intentions, people often felt uncomfortable disagreeing with him.
Although the situations were different, I asked both executives to complete the same sentence:
“I’m the kind of person who __________.”
The first executive said things like:
- “I’m the kind of person who never lets anyone take advantage of me.”
- “I’m the kind of person who stands up for myself.”
- “I’m the kind of person who won’t let someone make me look weak.”
The second executive offered a different set of answers:
- “I’m the kind of person who likes to be in control.”
- “I’m the kind of person who makes decisions.”
- “I’m the kind of person who tells people what needs to be done.”
As we continued the exercise, the pattern became clearer. They were not simply describing habits. They were describing rules they had been living by. The need to get the last word and the tendency to intimidate people were the visible outcomes of stories neither of them had fully examined.
One of the executives I mentioned earlier had been picked on when he was younger. Eventually, he decided he had enough and stood up for himself. The other person backed down. It was a powerful lesson. From that experience, he developed a rule that said no one gets the upper hand on me.
Years later, that same rule was still shaping his behavior.
The problem was that he was no longer dealing with a schoolyard bully. He was working with peers, colleagues, and members of a leadership team.
Many of our rules are formed this way. We have an experience, draw a conclusion, and create a belief about what it takes to succeed, earn respect, achieve our goals, prevent rejection, avoid pain, or protect ourselves. Over time, those beliefs become part of how we see the world and how we see ourselves.
I learned this lesson years ago in a very personal way.
I dated a woman whose mother treated her badly. Her mother said hurtful things, criticized her constantly, and left her emotionally drained every time they spent time together. Yet every Friday, she went back to visit her mother.
When I asked why she kept putting herself through that, her answer was she had to go because she wanted to be a good daughter. In her mind, a good daughter visited her mother and stayed close to family no matter how painful the relationship became.
I never told her she was wrong. I simply wanted her to see that she had created a rule for herself. Many people have very different rules about family. Some believe family relationships should be preserved at all costs. Others believe there are circumstances where protecting their peace, dignity, and well-being must take priority. Whether the rule was helping her create the kind of life she wanted was something only she could decide.
The reason this matters is that many people never realize they have a choice. They assume the rule is reality. It isn’t. Rules are decisions, and decisions can be changed.
So ask yourself: Is this rule helping me become the person I want to be? If the answer is no, create a better one.
Organizations are expecting more from the people they bring in to speak.
A strong keynote still matters. But leaders are also looking for practical tools, planning support, useful takeaways, and someone who understands the pressure behind the event.
John Spence does not just walk on stage, deliver a keynote, and leave. He works with you as a trusted partner from the first planning conversation through the final follow-up.
