I was coaching an executive recently who was struggling with a coworker. As he described some of their conversations, I noticed a pattern. He was spending much of those interactions telling the other person what they were doing wrong and why their actions were creating problems. He was also making assumptions about what the other person was thinking rather than asking questions to better understand what was happening.
When we start telling another person what we believe their intentions are, they can quickly become agitated. The reality is that we usually don’t know why someone said or did something until we ask. Taking the time to understand their perspective gives us information we might otherwise miss and can change the direction of the conversation.
One tool I use in these situations is I-statements.
The basic idea is to describe your own experience rather than define the other person’s motives or character. Instead of saying, “You don’t respect my opinion,” you might say, “I was disappointed that the decision was made before I had an opportunity to give my input.” The second version still addresses the problem directly, but it stays with what you experienced rather than claiming to know the other person’s intentions.
I-statements can make a difficult conversation feel less hostile. They can be even more useful when you acknowledge the other person’s point of view while explaining your own. That is important because I-statements work best when they are combined with a genuine desire to learn how the other person sees the situation.
This is where asking good questions becomes essential.
Before drawing conclusions about someone’s actions, spend some time trying to understand how they see the situation. Ask what happened from their point of view or what led them to make a particular comment. Listen carefully to the answer. You may discover information that changes the way you see the situation.
It is also important to understand that starting a sentence with “I” does not make it an I-statement.
Saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me” is still an accusation. You are making a judgment about what another person thinks. “I was frustrated when I was interrupted several times during the meeting because I wasn’t able to finish explaining my point” describes your experience of what actually happened. That gives the other person something specific to respond to without requiring them to defend their intentions.
When I teach I-statements, I sometimes hear that this approach sounds passive, but it isn’t.
Using I-statements allows you to be assertive without being aggressive. You can still hold someone accountable for their actions and address the issue directly while reducing the likelihood that the other person will immediately become defensive.
I have used I-statements for years, both at work and in personal situations. My goal in a challenging conversation is to get to a good outcome. I have found that this approach can turn a tense conversation around quickly and make it easier to work through the issue together.
Organizations are expecting more from the people they bring in to speak.
A strong keynote still matters. But leaders are also looking for practical tools, planning support, useful takeaways, and someone who understands the pressure behind the event.
John Spence was named the 2026 Thinkers360 Thought Leader of the Year. He does not just walk on stage, deliver a keynote, and leave. He works with you as a trusted partner from the first planning conversation through the final follow-up.
